I am the very model of a stable genius President
I’m dealing with the Mexicans, both illegal and resident
I’m mentally quite awesome and physically very fit.
Fit...er....got it!
And only tweet pure bile at two am whilst watching Fox and shit...
I’m riding on the coat tails of Obama’s 8 illustrious years
Whilst ranting poisoned crap to excite republican’s deepest fears
Promoting racist feelings get the public quite irate again.
Oh...damn. Great Again. Got it!
My jingoistic slogan is Let’s Make The Us Great Again!
In previous life I was the most renowned scumbag on the TV
My go-to phrase is well known now, just grab the girls by the pussy
My wife’s imported. She is pretty hot. You know, like Ivanka.
Oh...got it!
Yet worldwide now I’m mainly known at that fat orange old wanker.
I’m quite untouchable, if you don’t count the times that I’ve been sued
And now my buddy Steve has slagged me off, that’s really very rude.
The press are all against me now, they say I’m such a liar.
I’m not. I’M NOT! Can someone tell me why my Pants are now on fire?
I don’t know what I’m doing, I’ve been thrown completely for a loop.
I’m stood here with a fork. Turns out the whole damned world is made of soup.
My friends are all indicted, running scared or really Russian moles
My life was so much easier when I just went out playing 18 holes.
But still in spite of facts and things that are quite clearly evident
I am the very model of a stable genius President
Sunday 7 January 2018
Friday 27 March 2015
Monday 9 June 2014
The Life of a Snail
You have to admit that you'd find it quite odd
If you woke up this morning a gastropod.
You'd phone in a sicky. "I'm really not well-
I'm finding it hard to come out of my shell..."
Your lifestyle would change, as too would your diet
You never ate greens, now you just want to try it
You are cursing and hating this unforeseen malady
'Cos your food source has gone from McDonalds to salady.
You're now a hermaphrodite. Breeding is tricky.
Involving hormones and slime...it's quite icky.
Love darts are involved if you want to get mate-ey
But Hey, you've succeeded. One hundred and EIGHTY!
And now come the sad part. Gastro-time really flies
And you're losing the sigh in all four of your eyes.
But your end will be swift...it is too sad for words
But a snail is simply a walnut for birds...
If you woke up this morning a gastropod.
You'd phone in a sicky. "I'm really not well-
I'm finding it hard to come out of my shell..."
Your lifestyle would change, as too would your diet
You never ate greens, now you just want to try it
You are cursing and hating this unforeseen malady
'Cos your food source has gone from McDonalds to salady.
You're now a hermaphrodite. Breeding is tricky.
Involving hormones and slime...it's quite icky.
Love darts are involved if you want to get mate-ey
But Hey, you've succeeded. One hundred and EIGHTY!
And now come the sad part. Gastro-time really flies
And you're losing the sigh in all four of your eyes.
But your end will be swift...it is too sad for words
But a snail is simply a walnut for birds...
Thursday 21 November 2013
Athena Good Pun...
He was tired. Oh, so very very tired. He'd been working on the Parthenon for nearly 15 years. Almost without break. He'd risen from the ranks, unlike most Athenians, and he took that to mean that the Goddess, Athena herself, was smiling on him. Which made him work all the harder.
From humble tool-carrier to stone-smith and mason, he'd worked the Doric columns, His eye for detail had attracted attention, and soon he was overseer to the masons, and then, after ten years the ultimate accolade. He became foreman.
Of course, although the Parthenon was open, it took another seven years to complete, and in that time he never took a break. And his desire, his need for perfection, in honour of Athena herself, never left him. How he yelled when things were missed. How he roared when the marble cracked. How he bellowed when the bass reliefs of the Metopes split and shattered.
And now it was over. And he was pleased, for his voice was gone. No more could he yell. He could hardly even croak.
He was Bob, the Hoarse Foreman of the Acropolis ...
From humble tool-carrier to stone-smith and mason, he'd worked the Doric columns, His eye for detail had attracted attention, and soon he was overseer to the masons, and then, after ten years the ultimate accolade. He became foreman.
Of course, although the Parthenon was open, it took another seven years to complete, and in that time he never took a break. And his desire, his need for perfection, in honour of Athena herself, never left him. How he yelled when things were missed. How he roared when the marble cracked. How he bellowed when the bass reliefs of the Metopes split and shattered.
And now it was over. And he was pleased, for his voice was gone. No more could he yell. He could hardly even croak.
He was Bob, the Hoarse Foreman of the Acropolis ...
Wednesday 10 April 2013
Love at first sight.
It was, of course, love at first sight. How could it not have been?
She was undoubtedly the most exotic, the most exquisite creature he had ever seen.
Oh, they'd talked about her. The lads. Of an evening, when they'd sat around chewing the fat.
She was pretty much all they talked about. Her, her reputation, how they wanted to be...well, how they wanted to be where he now was.
He stared into her eyes. Vivid, startling green they flickered in the neon light. He gazed into them and saw himself reflected back a thousand times. She ran a long, languorous limb over his naked flesh, and he shuddered.
Yeah, she had a reputation. The Eternal Widow. Something of a maneater all the older blokes said. Beware of her. She only wants you for one thing...he was fine with that. If he was homest he only wanted her for the same one thing.
They embraced and he smelled her exotic scent. The coupling happened quickly, roughly, violently. He shuddered, his senses numb. This was it! He'd done what the others had only talked about! Just think! What a tale he'd have to take back to the
*CHOMP*
The lid lifted off the tank. She was quick, but not quick enough. Danny swore as he saw her holding the twitching, headless corpse.
"Oh...bugger. DAAAAAAD! The bloody Praying Mantis has done another one!"
Saturday 19 May 2012
A song of...
A song of Spri......spri....sp.....s.....s....ACHOO! *sniff*
Your skin is clammy, your nose is red
you're wishing now that you stayed in bed.
You chose to go on to work instead,
Now you're ill, and you're tired and have green sleeves.
The pollen count is now really high,
The newsmen say. And so that is why
You're out of tissues, and red of eye
And your sneezing's the reason for green sleeves.
Green sleeves, they are what you wear
When you go out-doors in the hay-filled air
You look a mess and it's just not fair
Full of snot, burning hot, and two green sleeves.
It's spring and everything wants to breed
Every tree and flower, every bush and weed
It is plant bukake, which you then breathe
And each Springtime's a grim time with Green sleeves.
So every spring when the world turns green
You head for Boots, and buy, sight unseen,
Any drug that has antihistamine
And attempt at prevention of green sleeves.
Green sleeves, it is floral porn
From early May, and from Early dawn
It makes you wish you had not been born
You have issues, no tissues, just green sleeves.
And when at last you can take no more
and they find you dead on the kitchen floor
Your coffin glides through that final door
To the haunting refrain that is Greensleeves..
Tuesday 10 April 2012
Willow's Weasels, and a cry for help.... 11/4/12
Willow's weasels are not getting better...she is going to need to see a V.E.T, and sadly I find myself financially embarrassed, having had a couple of silly vets bills to pay already...so I'm asking that if you have at any time enjoyed Willow's tales, and would like to see more, could you possibly donate via the Paypal button to help Willow's Weasels go away.
I don't like asking, but I'm still trying to pay back the rather more than UKP 1,000 that her last escapade cost...
Thank you in advance.
Here's the "Donate" button
I don't like asking, but I'm still trying to pay back the rather more than UKP 1,000 that her last escapade cost...
Thank you in advance.
Here's the "Donate" button
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